diet tips, anyone?

getting older isn’t as bad as it sometimes sounds. i’m a year and a few months away from hitting the big 3-0, and so far i’m still feeling as young at heart as i did a decade ago. of course, my life has changed drastically since then, but those are mostly lifestyle changes.

except, of course, physically. and no, i don’t mean arthritis or creaking joints or any other ailments associated with old age. aside from getting tired a bit more easily, which i attribute to zero exercise for the past three years, everything’s still pretty much A-okay.

except for my weight. call me superficial, but i’m starting to really get bothered. i don’t know if it’s just a sign of aging, with my metabolism slowing down, or if it’s because i have two kids already, or the zero exercise that i mentioned, or an irritating combination of all three. or maybe even the simple fact that my appetite and enjoyment of food hasn’t died down since high school days. in fact, i love to eat even more than ever.

here are the stats: in my dalaga days, the heaviest i’ve ever been was 122 pounds. now, i’m almost at 140. and my waistline, which used to be 25-26, is now at 31 inches.

spectacular! amazing! depressing!

when i joke about it with my friends, they try to console me by pointing out that i have two kids already. and that with the way i eat, i should even be far heavier than i am today. should i be happy with that? i’m not.

and these days, i feel so much more insecure than i’ve ever been. i’ve always had low self esteem, but with so many people taking note of my weight (some less tactfully than others), it’s at rock-bottom at the moment.

so even though it isn’t time for it yet traditionally, here’s my resolution: start exercising. and though i can’t diet yet (chesca’s still 100% breastfed), be more conscious about my eating habits. (hey, when did i ever start thinking that eating four or more solid meals a day was good for me?) accept criticisms and comments about my weight gain more gracefully. after all, it is a fact.

here’s to greeting 2011 with a healthier and (hopefully) lighter me. tips, anyone?

dec 4, 2010. braso, anyone?

a day for staying under the covers

there are just some days you shouldn’t even get out of bed. days when all that you seem to hear are bad news, negative comments, and other “uplifting” words. don’t you realize that life is hard enough as it is, without you to add to the burden?

there are some days when trying to smile takes all the energy i have; when pretending to be okay is the hardest acting job in the world. and there are some people who really should come with a sign saying, “WARNING: This person doesn’t have a filter between her lips and her brain. Diagnosis: Acute diarrhea of the mouth.”

here’s hoping that tomorrow will be a much better day.

dear papa

it’s been a little over a month since you were finally called home to rest, and we still miss you. it all happened so fast – the wake, the burial – that while everything was taking place it seemed so surreal. i felt sure that i would wake up at any moment, and you would still be there in your bed with that grumpy look on your face.

we still miss you.

it’s all sinking in now, over the past few weeks since we said goodbye. i still say a quiet “hello” when i see your picture. and your room seems so sad and lonely, with all the boxes and medicines piled up inside.

thank you papa. i love you for talking to me at 5am, when baby franco (still at 3 months old then) would wake up really early. i love you for making me laugh when you and mama had your frequent debates about the evils of pork and your favorite knorr seasoning. i love you for making me smile everytime i caught you watching those weird chinese channels on tv or, better yet, the fashion channel with the models strutting their stuff on the catwalk. i love you because you always spoke up; you were never afraid to speak your mind. i love you for making me feel welcome and part of the family, in your own way. and i love you even more because i saw how much you loved your grandkids. even in those last weeks, when you were restless and in pain, you would still try to smile or stroke their cheeks when they came near.

we’ll make sure they know and remember you – even checha. we’ll let them know that they had a lolo who was always willing to play tug-of-war with his tungkod, and sneak them junk food, and tease them and tweak their noses. we’ll tell them that they missed out on a grandpa who loved his family. and you will live on in them.

we love you papa, we still miss you. and we always will.

bubu and papa

gone too soon

january 20, 2010 was a sad day for our family. my husband’s eldest sibling, ate zen, passed away at the age of 58. i won’t go into too many details anymore, but suffice it to say that we lost someone dear to us.

i won’t pretend that i was very close to her. we never had the chance to have a heart to heart talk, or even a simple conversation just between the two of us. there were always other people around, other things to take care of. and as a result, i didn’t get to know her as well as i would have liked.

but really, you didn’t have to know her well to love her. i got to know her enough to admire that she was a woman of character, with the strength of personality that could only have come from overcoming and surpassing all the trials that life can bring.  she never hesitated to help out someone who needed her, knowing full well herself how tough life could be. ate zen was a great mother, sister, daughter, friend.. the list of roles she played in her life for the people who relied on her is long and varied, and she tried to make time for everything.

sitting among the crowd of people last night at the wake, i realized that you only had to look around to see the ultimate testament to a person’s worth. here was the proof  of how much she meant to all who knew her. you could see the sorrow on people’s faces as they slowly came to terms with her passing, but there was also the joy at having known her.

this is my only way now of saying thank you, as i should have while she was still with us. thank you, for accepting me and welcoming me into your family. thank you, for helping us with the wedding, for all the good advice, for the time and effort you expended. thank you, for being there, not just when you were needed, but always. and most of all, thank you for the part you played in ferdie’s life.

we love you ate zen. you will be missed.

It matters not how straight the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

-the last few lines of INVICTUS, by william ernest henley

weekend’s over again..

..and it’s back to subic for hubby ferdie. another five days of waiting. this weekend was specially tiring: super duper last minute preparations for the dedication, dealing with a cranky baby, getting into a public argument with someone i despise.. two days with one of the people who can help cheer me up really isn’t enough. i need more alone time with ferdie, or a vacation with patty boots and ting.

bone tired and missing you – not one of my better days.

 

To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn’t think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.

You do something to me that I can’t explain.
So would I be out of line if I said “I miss you”?

I see your picture.
I smell your skin on
The empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
But already I’m wasting away.
I know I’ll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care,
And I miss you.

- i miss you (incubus)

»here with me«

there are some songs that are so appropriate for certain situations and certain people.. that’s why i created a new category for this blog: songs for my hubby..

right now, hubby ferdie is working in subic.. and he only comes home during weekends. it’s tough, me staying home and having a two-month old baby to take care of too. but we’re getting by. here’s a song i’ve always loved, and it seems all the more bittersweet and appropriate given our situation now.

wuv you ferdie. mondays thru fridays, the days are just shadowed memories.

 

HERE WITH ME (dido)

i didn’t hear you leave
I wonder how am i still here
I don’t want to move a thing
It might change my memory
Oh i am what i am
I’ll do what i want
But i can’t hide
I won’t go
I won’t sleep
I can’t breathe
Until you’re resting here with me
I won’t leave
I can’t hide
I cannot be
Until you’re resting here with me

I don’t want to call my friends
They might wake me from this dream
And i can’t leave this bed
Risk forgetting all that’s been

Oh i am what i am
I’ll do what i want
But i can’t hide
I won’t go
I won’t sleep
I can’t breathe
Until you’re resting here with me
I won’t leave
I can’t hide
I cannot be
Until you’re resting here with me

…

sometimes i think happiness is a concept that was invented to keep everyone from just killing themselves and everybody else.

why fool yourself? nobody cares anyway.

goodbye cinderella!

been lusting after tickets to lea salonga’s performance as cinderella to be held later this year. finally admitted to myself that i am in no position to dream right now. ticket prices are beyond my reach at the moment – it’s lea salonga, what did you expect??

it’s just another thing in a long list of items and luxuries that i’ve had to give up, and sometimes i feel myself indulging in self-pity. in addition to other problems that have come my way.. still, life is good and it will be worth it in the end.

that’s the mantra i have to keep repeating to myself.

tsk tsk..

got hospitalized a little over a week ago. excruciating pain, to the point where i threw up three times; my body just couldn’t handle it. doctors said my kidney is “hydro nephrotic” or something to that effect – in layman’s terms it’s swollen and/or infected. to me, it just sounds like i have too much water or something. hahaÜ

have to play safe anyway. had to drink the meds, have to go for a follow-up with the urologist, and have to keep away from salty foods. as in, no more sawsawan for me! damn. it’s like Lent, when you have to sacrifice and abstain. except this time, Lent can stretch on forever, since this thing can supposedly reoccur anytime.

goodbye deliciousness.

of sad goodbyes

this was not one of the best weeks.

sometimes life sends us a nice easy pitch, and sometimes it throws a hard curveball your way.

sometimes problems come our way simply to test our character, and to make us realize that we can’t just do things on our own.

enough with the cliches – last sunday, we lost a friend.

caloy cruz: poker buddy. drinking buddy. car fanatic. forever saying to people, “uuwi ka na?? aga pa!“, and we can’t seem to help staying even longer at tambay.

i’d only known him more than a year. we weren’t super close – not like bosom buddies or confidants, but caloy simply had a way about him of making people feel more at home and at ease.

it was a shock to say the least. to be struck down by a stroke is bad enough, to be taken away at 36 is even worse. we were deprived of his friendship and company far too early, and i doubt anyone who knew him would ever stop mourning his passing deep inside.

thanks for all the laughs and fun times caloy.. we’ll miss you.